Could I beat Chris Best, Jairaj Sethi, and Hamish McKenzie in a fight? YES.

Why I firmly believe I could beat the founding team of Substack in a fight.

It’s a summer day in SF, 60 degrees and foggy. The sun is going down, and as the last golden rays disappear from the reflections of Tesla charging stations and hobos’ shopping carts, two Waymos pull into the Target parking lot off Masonic Avenue. In one car, Chris Best, Jairaj Sethi, and Hamish McKenzie, the founders of Substack. In the other, me. We’re here to fight.

The Challenger

Fighting class: welterweight

Age: 22

Strengths: 215 bench (in my bio). I have enough testosterone and nicotine in my system to cure chlamydia AND power the West Palo Alto Facebook office. The only thing I love more than creating shareholder value is challenging CEOs to fight. My last engineering job was day trading crypto on a team of 120 men and 1 woman (me). During this six-month tenure (for HR reasons), I didn’t punch a single wall OR a single person. I sat quietly and traded my Shiba-coin… waiting patiently for the day I would channel my rage into narrating imaginary fights between myself and popular founding groups on Substack.

Weaknesses: NONE (I’m literally SO hard to kill)

The Defender

1. Christ Best

Fighting class: Light heavyweight

Age: 40

Strengths: Height

Weakness: Chris graduated from the University of Waterloo in 2010, indicating he’s had extreme exposure to a Canadian environment. The desire to say “sorë” and yield is an obvious cripple to his fighting spirit.

Why I’d win: Height isn’t everything. One strategic move, and he’ll be on the ground faster than you can say “Maple syrup.”

1. Jairaj Sethi

Fighting class: Lightweight

Age: 38

Strengths: Ability to grow facial hair

Weakness: Is a math major. Not only did Jairaj graduate from the University of Waterloo, but he also earned a degree in math. For those unfamiliar with the podium of college majors, math majors are just CS majors if their parents love them. They’re soft and easily bullied.

Why I’d win: Jairaj’s math prowess may help him calculate probabilities, but he’ll soon realize the odds are not in his favor when faced with my freshman year PE jui jitsu skills.